The "Kev-A-Loo 4000": Revolutionising The Conventional Shitter!

A lot of you reading this will know the meaning of the well-known idiom: "reinventing the wheel". For those of you that don't, if someone reinvents the wheel, they have wasted their time "inventing" a solution to a problem that has already been solved, or have implemented yet another solution to a solved problem. Such is the inspiration for this latest blog entry...
 

Kevin's original blueprint and schematics of the "Kev-A-Loo 4000".

The image provided above was actually sketched by Kevin himself and you're probably wondering what the hell it is, right? Well... it's obviously the one and only "Kev-A-Loo 4000" - the most sophisticated and cutting-edge piece of bathroom equipment known to man! Armitage Shanks has FUCK ALL on this bad boy... "Why would Kevin sketch such an image?", I hear you ask. The answer to your question is simple - Kevin isn't happy with the way things work at the moment, regarding conventional toilets/urinals and accompanying sewage systems. He is totally convinced that they are flawed in design and functionality. This is the design for Kevin's alternative toilet system. It provides in-depth information on how it will overcome "existing" ergonomic and hygiene flaws found within conventional toilets.

If his design doesn't have you convinced (and let's face it, why wouldn't it?), I'm sure the following sales pitch will have you in a state of hysteria and will leave you wanting ownership of such a great shit-house. The ancient Chinese, the ancient Romans and the Victorians - all failed to provide this kind of luxury, but Kevin hasn't... 

We were totally hammered when I filmed this video, which resulted in capturing some minor background noise - my sincerest apologies in advance. Here it is: -        

March/April 2012. The Railway Pub, Chorley.

If someone wants to get their hands on the original blueprint and schematics of the "Kev-A-Loo 4000" before we start mass producing it, then get in touch with me and we can organise a monetary donation to your chosen charity. I hope you enjoyed reading/viewing/watching this blog entry! :D

The "Kev-A-Loo 4000" - coming soon to an ass gasket near you!

Where The Fuck Has Little Wambui Disappeared To!?

It's safe to say that Kevin knows his way around a fairy tale, and his proficient story-telling qualities are outstanding. Written by my good friend Joseph Joyce, the following blog entry details Kevin's beliefs regarding the African Bullfrog.

The African Bullfrog (Pyxiecephalus Adspersus) is one of the largest frogs in Africa. Adult males may reach 9 inches or more (23cm) and females much bigger. As you can see from the picture above, it is a stout frog with a large head and mouth. The inner toes of the hind legs have a callus that is sharp and tough, it is used for digging. There is also little webbing on its feet.

Some three thousand miles from where the African Bullfrog resides in sweltering marshland, there lives a mammal who roams the small town of Chorley. We call this mammal Kevin. Unlike the African Bullfrog, Kevin preys on the gullibility of those around him. He preaches his wild beliefs and highly exaggerated (complete bullshit) stories to his sometimes unsuspecting victims.

After watching the DVD box set collection of David Attenborough's 'Life', Kevin would probably consider himself a specialist in all creatures of the natural world (and who would disagree, right?).

This leads me onto a short story that took place in a taxi ride back from Manchester at 1.30am last Thursday (29/09/2011). Two week prior, Kevin had briefly touched on the subject of the African Bullfrog and their incredible ability to devour human children. However, he chose this particular Thursday as his opportunity to further the discussion/argument. The conversation started as it usually does with Kevin rocking the boat with one of his unusual opinions that seem to spring from nowhere.

Me: "Kev you are talking absolute shit!"

Kevin tried to back his argument by saying he had seen conclusive footage of the massacre taking place. A DVD that he owned apparently.

Me: "Why would someone just sit there and film a child being eaten alive?!"

Me: "Laura, have you ever seen this DVD?"

Laura: "No."

Kevin: "I've never shown you it that's why."

The argument spiralled, as Kevin riled his fellow taxi passengers with his unfounded knowledge, until finally he announced that he had heard a true story involving an African Bullfrog attack. I think you'll agree that this is vintage Kevin (if you are lucky enough to know him that is). Here is Kevin's "well-known African folk tale": -

(In Kevin's Cockney accent). 

"Right, there was this girl who lived in a cottage." 

(In Africa I presumed.)

"She went out skipping with her skipping rope one day, and never came back. The police looked for her and all they found was the skipping rope. They initially thought a bear had got her so they tracked one down and killed it. They cut it open thinking they would find the girl inside but she wasn't. So it must have been the African Bullfrog."

What an absolute genius, how he thinks of this stuff on the spot amazes me. I just imagine the African Bullfrog sitting there with a grin on it's face. Nobody would suspect an African Bullfrog. The perfect crime. What are bears doing in Africa anyway?

Kermit you murdering bastard!

Laughing Vampires Dance! Feel The Voodoo Curse!

A "Photoshop" I did of Kevin a few years ago, which conveniently fits in with the nature of this blog entry. =]

The title of this blog entry, to most, will make no sense at all. Actually, I think that only me and Kevin (and maybe a select few others) know what it's off. If any of you reading this blog entry know what it's off then I will happily participate in a manly handshake with you the next time we meet up. What is better than a good, solid, gentlemanly handshake I hear you ask? Well, this blog entry :D. Right I'm talking shit now, so let's get back to the script...

We all know Kevin likes to exaggerate his fables somewhat and this one is no exception (I think...). Either way I nearly died laughing when he was narrating it to me on the way home to mine from a messy night out. In the recording provided below, Kevin describes to me his experience with a fucked-up strain of Cannabis he acquired from a bloke aptly named "Kingston Keith". Enjoy!

September 2011. Walking Back To My House From The Railway (Apologies For The Background Wind).

The Bourne Indian Takeaway Conspiracy.

I think this little ingenious audio recording should make it into the next Zeitgeist film (or rather the pointless DVD extras that nobody really watches). I enjoy and appreciate a good Indian takeaway. Who doesn't, right? Well... Kevin doesn't that's for sure. His stance on Indian takeaway and Indian cuisine in general is not quite the same as mine... This recording took place in my own backyard shortly after Kevin had consumed his "first ever" Indian takeaway.

I hope you enjoy listening to this recording as much as I did making it. You can probably tell how much I enjoyed making it by my annoying high-pitched squeal of a laugh.... =]

August 2011. My Own Backyard (Apologies For The Background Noise).

Kevin, I seriously think you could carry-out the part of Angela Lansbury in the American mystery television program, Murder She Wrote.

Baa Baa Black Sheep, Have You Any Stab-Proof Vests?

This video footage is courtesy of Mr. Paul Isom. Location: The White Bull, 2007.

Kevin's imagination has no limits and this is proven in the above video. It was the Easter holidays, 2007, and a group of us were intending to take a day trip up to Rivington Pike for Good Friday (our yearly tradition of sorts). We planned to take a shit load of alcohol up there; find a good spot; and then get positively inebriated. Kevin, however, had a slightly different agenda... A couple of nights before Good Friday we went for a "few beers" in town and Kevin exclaimed how he wanted to brutally attack an innocent sheep on the way up to Rivington Pike.

We honoured Kevin's sheep victim with the name: "Shaun-The-Sheep", and pissed ourselves laughing the entire night. To my relief, Kevin never actually went through with his preempted slaughter of Shaun-The-Sheep. Perhaps that was because he never actually ended up coming with us up to Rivington Pike on that Good Friday. I think he was getting his hair cut at Sweeney Todd's, but that's another story... ;) I think I might quiz Kevin to see if he would of actually gone through with the event and the precise methodologies he describes in the video footage.

A massive thank you to Paul Isom for capturing this beautiful moment on his mobile phone. =]

[Watch this space for the outcome of Kevin's forthcoming interrogation.]

UPDATE*** He said he'd of done it, providing it had been a black sheep...

The Lion, The Witch, The Kevin & The Wardrobe.

Well, it would appear Kevin has quite an aggressive attitude towards finding his old items of clothing and other such apparel - when looking through his wardrobe. I don't even know where to begin narrating this nugget of vintage Kevin comedy, but here goes...

In my opinion, the human cerebrum has to be the most fascinating organ in existence. However, there exists one that outshines all others. This human being eclipses all others and his intelligence/reasoning is off the chart. Forget Professor Brian Cox; forget Professor Stephen Hawking; and forget Professor Green. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you... The brain of Kevin Seaman!

Date: [18/08/2011 Anno Domini, ≈14.30PM]: -

A spontaneous cluster of neurological chemical reactions occurred within Kevin's thalamus. These stimulated his pituitary gland; a feeling of thirst ensued; and he purchased a pint of Boondoggle. After several repetitions of this process, Kevin was basically shit-faced.

At this point, Kevin's cerebellum had been rendered useless. However, the sound waves produced by the ongoing conversation were being processed and interpreted by Kevin's temporal lobes at a rapid rate. This resulted in his frontal lobe throwing an absolute fucking tantrum and it manifesting the following quote: -

"When you look through your wardrobe and you find an old t-shirt, do you ever think to yourself "I wonder if this still facking fits?"? Then when you try it on it facking doesn't. Facking pisses me off!"

He said this with a nonchalant expression on his face.

The rest of us were debating whether or not to go to another pub when he said this...

The Tide Is High!

I was out on Saturday night with a few of the lads, when I decided to check my Facebook notifications (as you do when you're out getting absolutely smashed...). To my complete and utter joy, I read the following wall post from Kevin's girlfriend, Laura: -

All the thought (or rather lack of), that went into this idea, completely fucked with my head. After about an hour of constant laughing (resulting in severe stomach cramps) and sharing Kevin's theory with my peers, I pondered said theory and came to the conclusion that it does sort of make sense. I flirted with the thought of a crab walking sideways on a beach; with a determined look on It's face - staring out at the tide; and thinking to itself "Right come on, I can fucking do this!".

I shortly came to my senses and dismissed Kevin's theory with a phrase that he often uses: "A complete crock of shit.". How ironic is that?

Kevin Seaman, one of the greatest thinkers and visionaries of our time... :D