Where The Fuck Has Little Wambui Disappeared To!?

It's safe to say that Kevin knows his way around a fairy tale, and his proficient story-telling qualities are outstanding. Written by my good friend Joseph Joyce, the following blog entry details Kevin's beliefs regarding the African Bullfrog.

The African Bullfrog (Pyxiecephalus Adspersus) is one of the largest frogs in Africa. Adult males may reach 9 inches or more (23cm) and females much bigger. As you can see from the picture above, it is a stout frog with a large head and mouth. The inner toes of the hind legs have a callus that is sharp and tough, it is used for digging. There is also little webbing on its feet.

Some three thousand miles from where the African Bullfrog resides in sweltering marshland, there lives a mammal who roams the small town of Chorley. We call this mammal Kevin. Unlike the African Bullfrog, Kevin preys on the gullibility of those around him. He preaches his wild beliefs and highly exaggerated (complete bullshit) stories to his sometimes unsuspecting victims.

After watching the DVD box set collection of David Attenborough's 'Life', Kevin would probably consider himself a specialist in all creatures of the natural world (and who would disagree, right?).

This leads me onto a short story that took place in a taxi ride back from Manchester at 1.30am last Thursday (29/09/2011). Two week prior, Kevin had briefly touched on the subject of the African Bullfrog and their incredible ability to devour human children. However, he chose this particular Thursday as his opportunity to further the discussion/argument. The conversation started as it usually does with Kevin rocking the boat with one of his unusual opinions that seem to spring from nowhere.

Me: "Kev you are talking absolute shit!"

Kevin tried to back his argument by saying he had seen conclusive footage of the massacre taking place. A DVD that he owned apparently.

Me: "Why would someone just sit there and film a child being eaten alive?!"

Me: "Laura, have you ever seen this DVD?"

Laura: "No."

Kevin: "I've never shown you it that's why."

The argument spiralled, as Kevin riled his fellow taxi passengers with his unfounded knowledge, until finally he announced that he had heard a true story involving an African Bullfrog attack. I think you'll agree that this is vintage Kevin (if you are lucky enough to know him that is). Here is Kevin's "well-known African folk tale": -

(In Kevin's Cockney accent). 

"Right, there was this girl who lived in a cottage." 

(In Africa I presumed.)

"She went out skipping with her skipping rope one day, and never came back. The police looked for her and all they found was the skipping rope. They initially thought a bear had got her so they tracked one down and killed it. They cut it open thinking they would find the girl inside but she wasn't. So it must have been the African Bullfrog."

What an absolute genius, how he thinks of this stuff on the spot amazes me. I just imagine the African Bullfrog sitting there with a grin on it's face. Nobody would suspect an African Bullfrog. The perfect crime. What are bears doing in Africa anyway?

Kermit you murdering bastard!